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From time to time in the ER, we have the unfortunate experience of seeing relationships so foul that they can only be called “creepy love” as a nurse so aptly put it one night. It is just the sheer volume of people that we interact with that necessitates, to some degree, that we see all sorts of oddities. To narrow it down to just a few is so hard that I decided this would only be one part in a mini-series. Prepare to be horrified.
Creepy Love #1 goes hands down to a mother and son team that came in last night. The son, a young man of 19 years, presents with mom because his testicles hurt. Ok, nothing weird so far. Before I go in the room, I see mom step out as he gets gowned, something totally expected. I figured she would stay in the waiting room till he got discharged. Wrong.
As I start the exam, Mom returns. I tell her from behind the curtain that we are about to examine the private area and if she would be comfortable returning later. To my surprise, they both – almost simultaneously – say no. So, she comes back to watch me examine her boy’s family jewels. Afterwards, we come to the a set of questions of what he was doing when his balls started to hurt. I am totally amazed as he goes into a detailed description – again in front of Mom – of how he was making out with a girl for “a really long time” without hitting the pay-off at the end. So, I told him that most likely he was suffering from a case of “blue balls” – or testicular vasocongestion in medical speak.
Mom very creepily laughed at this point and told me that this is what she had suspected as well. I thought to myself, “If she starts talking about how this kid’s Dad used to get blue balls when they were still a fledgling couple – I am outta here!” Usually young men cross the – Mom, “this is kinda private” – line around 15 years old. 16 wouldn’t be weird. 17 is pushing it. College age is already weird. But 19 going on 20 is just creepy (this guy is about to start junior year in college).
Creepy Love #2: Young woman – 25 years old – presents to the ER after having a fall the night before when she was plastered. There is a gentleman (used very loosely) in the room with her who appears to be in his 50’s. I’m thinking Dad, but I learned a long time ago to not assume anything in this area (We’ve all been there before – “So, this must be your Mother right?” Patient’s wife replies in a very insulted tone, “Mother? I’m his wife“. Ohhh – can the Earth please open up and swallow me now please).
So, I casually wait for a moment to ask the man, “And you are?”. He replies that he is a “good friend“. Another lesson that I have learned is that “good friend” can also mean any one of many things. Apparently, Mr. Good Friend was with this young lady at the bar last night and drove her home. So, I’m thinking maybe he lives on the same street – saw his neighbor trading sober for hammered and kindly offered to take her home. No, that would be too normal. This was all about the creepy.
So, since she had fallen in her less-than-sober state, I needed to check certain areas of her that were still clothed. I told her to get gowned and that’s when the creepy-meter hit red. I walked out of the room to let her get undressed – and he didn’t. Now I know you’re thinking, it isn’t necessarily weird for an older man to date a younger woman less than half his age, and that in some ways it can be totally socially acceptable. Believe me, this wasn’t one of those cases.
The last couple for this post wasn’t a creepy one at all, just a sad one. 55 year old man comes in with chest pain. There is a woman with him who looks like she fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down as well as ate bark. But I really do believe that beauty is partly from within and not only skin deep – so I really didn’t think much of it. Until I started the interview.
Everytime this guy would try to answer a question, this woman would literally scream at him and say he was lying. Then she would tell me something else. He didn’t seem to fight it, so I could only assume she was right. It was more typical of the way an angry mother would correct her delinquint son, but this was husband-wife dynamics.
When we got down to the social history, the guy turned out to be a regular drinker. Imagine that. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be sober to deal with a delightful woman like her everyday? To understand this dynamic better, I researched the net and found this interesting article: Top 10 Signs She’s a Bitch
. Oddly enough, the first comment to that article was written by a man who called himself F@&k
Me who wrote: “what happens when you’ve been married to one for 17 years, and just can’t take it anymore?”. I guess my patient was asking himself the same question everyday as he cried into his drink.