Internet Date Goes Horribly Wrong

April 23, 2009

You're hot An interesting thing happened last weekend. My own Romeo and Juliette … from Hell that is.  We had two patients come in from a car accident by EMS. Here is their story; a story that deserves a movie deal, or at least a Saturday Night Live skit.

John and Peggy.

John, a portly 275lb, unemployed alcoholic was looking for love. But unfortunately, love wasn’t look back in his direction. So he tried the internet. Peggy, an equally portly 255lb, gainfully employed assistant manager was having trouble finding the right man and also thought to try her luck on the internet. It was a match made in heaven, or at least in Heaven-Hill.

Their love on-line seemed to blossom, until they could hold themselves back no longer and just had to meet. John unfortunately had a suspended license (damn DUI’s), so Peggy would have to go and pick him up. They decided to go someplace exotic, someplace intriguing, a place where they could look deep into each other’s eyes and hear one another’s sweet words. They decided to go to a bar.

At the bar, they drank and drank. Maybe they imagined that the alcohol would make them appear more enticing (ahh, the famed beer goggle).

They hoped for the arrows of Cupid to pierce deeply into their hearts, but instead they discovered that the alcohol only brought on the spear of Ares (Roman god of war). Their arguments led them to decide that maybe it was best to go home. But Peggy was nice enough to at least drive the drunk and stupid John home.  John, alcohol having removed his ever so thin veil of “niceness”, told Peggy she needed to take a certain route to get him home.

Peggy, on the other hand, thought that John’s liquor was talking instead of his “brain”, and she decided to take another road to get him back to his hometown. I guess her route would have eventually gotten him home if they had driven long enough in such a great circle, but we will never know the answer to that intriguing question. Why?

Because poor John became so angry at his dear Peggy on their way home, that he decided to grab the steering wheel at 50 mph and spin it around. He apparently thought that this would be a good idea and help put her on the “right road” as he tells it. Unfortunately for our dear couple, the car rolled and landed in a ditch awaiting the fine men and women of EMS.

Upon arriving, EMS immediately recognized that they were in the middle of a love nest and decided to transport our  Romeo and Juliette together in the same ambulance. Although it sounded to everyone else like they were arguing and blaming each other, as well as calling each other @$%&*# and the ever-endearing ?*&$%#!, I’m sure that this was just John and Peggy’s own special love code. We on the other hand in the ED had to give them separate rooms. That didn’t stop them from yelling at each other across the hall though. Oh no, love like that just can’t be stopped.

They were both drunk – John weighing in at an alcohol level of .31 and Peggy (the driver) coming in a close second with a .20. State Police was present to give them citations by which they could immortalize their first date. Who knows, maybe they may even consider tying the knot when they show up for their court date. Although some may see Peggy losing her license for drinking and driving as a tragedy, my sentimental side sees it as an opportunity for them to take long, romantic walks along the highway together.

At the end of it all, it turns out that even though John was chomping at the bit to leave and get out of his spine precautions, the poor soul had suffered a broken neck. Yep, a good old C2 fracture. It would be a wonderful reminder of his first date with Peggy. Peggy would only end up with a few scrapes and bruises to remind her of their first meeting though. Ahh, a first date to remember. Just hope I’m not around for their next one!

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* Note – a case like this illustrates the great importance of radiographically clearing a C-spine when you are dealing with an intoxicated patient. Don’t be misled by their lack of pain and get a good radiographic exam.